In September 2006 my treatment for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma came to an end. I was not told I was officially in remission from the disease for another month.
It was a very difficult time. On one level I missed the routine of being treated for cancer. Even the radiology centre, with its slab and windowless rooms, had provided each day with some sort of purpose. Now, with my children’s return to school, and my wife’s to work after the holiday break, there was just me…
Reading books, unthinkable during chemotherapy treatment, began to seem appealing again. Ditto the newspaper. Even the odd glass of wine.
Except that they weren’t. Experience quickly taught me – my eyes glazing over, hangover-like headaches after the first sip – that re-entry into ‘normal’ life was going to be anything but easy. Plus I was still overweight. I would wheeze, even on a trip to buy milk.
My visitors dried up.
I found the slightest thing would make me cry: an overheard song on the radio; my children’s laughter; meeting my colleagues again.
It was in this listless atmosphere that I discovered Philip Levine’s ‘Magpiety’. Levine’s poetry had been recommended  to me some years before, and I had responded by buying three of his books, devouring them greedily  in quick succession. Stranger to Nothing was different, though, a British selection of his work, a first. Even though I did not have the money, I persuaded myself I needed it.
The house once again empty, I shuffled into town one Saturday afternoon and spent a happy half-hour in Waterstone’s sampling its pages.
‘Magpiety’ is the poem the book opened to on the bus home. Though it corresponds to no event or landscape in my life that I can remember, I distinctly remember coming up against the sensation of having encountered it before. Laced into its tough and dreamy narrative was an elemental vocabulary I knew Levine returned to over and again in his poems: ‘truth’, ‘rain’, ‘night’, ‘survives’, ‘heat’, ‘breath’, ‘love’, ‘knees’, ‘words’, ‘dust’, ‘woman’ and ‘man’.
It was like that scene in Stand by Me, when the boys bend to put their ears to the railway tracks they are walking along to discern the advent of a coming train with a shrug and a bravado ‘Nah!’ The bus and its passengers seemed to have started listing in the afternoon sunshine. Fluids streamed from my eyes, nose and mouth. Knowing I was in trouble but pretending I was not, I read the extraordinary affirmation of life in the poem’s final lines, word by word, repeatedly, until my breathing calmed.
Stepping off the bus in the same town, and yet an entirely different one, I allowed myself to take it as a sign, not that I was out of the woods, nor even that I had a path through them, but that I no longer faced it alone.
Magpiety
You pull over to the shoulder
of the two-lane
road and sit for a moment wondering
where you were going
in such a hurry. The valley is burned
out, the oaks
dream day and night of rain
that never comes.
At noon or just before noon
the short shadows
are gray and hold what little
life survives.
In the still heat the engine
clicks, although
the real heat is hours ahead.
You get out and step
cautiously over a low wire
fence and begin
the climb up the yellowed hill.
A hundred feet
ahead the trunks of two
fallen oaks
rust; something passes over
them, a lizard
perhaps or a trick of sight.
The next tree
you pass is unfamiliar,
the trunk dark,
as black as an olive’s; the low
branches stab
out, gnarled and dull: a carob
or a Joshua tree.
A sudden flaring-up ahead,
a black-winged
bird rises from nowhere,
white patches
underneath its wings, and is gone.
You hear your own
breath catching in your ears,
a roaring, a sea
sound that goes on and on
until you lean
forward to place both hands
–fingers spread–
into the bleached grasses
and let your knees
slowly down. Your breath slows
and you know
you’re back in central
California
on your way to San Francisco
or the coastal towns
with their damp sea breezes
you haven’t
even a hint of. But first
you must cross
the Pacheco Pass. People
expect you, and yet
you remain, still leaning forward
into the grasses
that if you could hear them
would tell you
all you need to know about
the life ahead.
*Â Â *Â Â *
Out of a sense of modesty
or to avoid the truth
I’ve been writing in the second
person, but in truth
it was I, not you, who pulled
the green Ford
over to the side of the road
and decided to get
up that last hill to look
back at the valley
he’d come to call home.
I can’t believe
that man, only thirty-two,
less than half
my age, could be the person
fashioning these lines.
That was late July of ’60.
I had heard
all about magpies, how they
snooped and meddled
in the affairs of others, not
birds so much
as people. If you dared
to remove a wedding
ring as you washed away
the stickiness of love
or the cherished odors of another
man or woman,
as you turned away
from the mirror
having admired your new-found
potency–humming
“My Funny Valentine” or
“Body and Soul”–
to reach for a rough towel
or some garment
on which to dry yourself,
he would enter
the open window behind you
that gave gratefully
onto the fields and the roads
bathed in dawn–
he, the magpie–and snatch
up the ring
in his hard beak and shoulder
his way back
into the currents of the world
on his way
to the only person who could
change your life:
a king or a bride or an old woman
asleep on her porch.
*Â Â *Â Â *
Can you believe the bird
stood beside you
just long enough, though far
smaller than you
but fearless in a way
a man or woman
could never be? An apparition
with two dark
and urgent eyes and motions
so quick and precise
they were barely motions at all?
When he was gone
you turned, alarmed by the rustling
of oily feathers
and the curious pungency,
and were sure
you’d heard him say the words
that could explain
the meaning of blond grasses
burning on a hillside
beneath the hands of a man
in the middle of
his life caught in the posture
of prayer. I’d
heard that a magpie could talk,
so I waited
for the words, knowing without
the least doubt
what he’d do, for up ahead
an old woman
waited on her wide front porch.
My children
behind her house played
in a silted pond
poking sticks at the slow
carp that flashed
in the fallen sunlight. You
are thirty-two
only once in your life, and though
July comes
too quickly, you pray for
the overbearing
heat to pass. It does, and
the year turns
before it holds still for
even a moment.
Beyond the last carob
or Joshua tree
the magpie flashes his sudden
wings; a second
flames and vanishes into the pale
blue air.
July 23, 1960.
I lean down
closer to hear the burned grasses
whisper all I
need to know. The words rise
around me, separate
and finite. A yellow dust
rises and stops
caught in the noon’s driving light.
Three ants pass
across the back of my reddened
right hand.
Everything is speaking or singing.
We’re still here.
Philip Levine, from Stranger to Nothing: Selected Poems (Bloodaxe, 2006)
Ant, Quite wonderful, all of it. The return to normal is totally bewildering. X Carps
Peter Carpenter
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Hi Peter. Thank you! What a massive joy to hear you today. You know as I typed the last words of this you flitted through my brain, like the sparrow in the mead hall in Heaney (?) O’Donoghue’s (?) poem. Trusting and hoping all is well. Much love, A Anthony Wilson
Love for Now, my memoir of cancer, is available here
Riddance, my new book of poems, is available here
>________________________________
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Oh driving down the Pacheco Pass to the coast or the city! Beautiful poem that can only touch the adoptive California woman I became. Thank you, Anthony for sharing another beautiful piece of writing with us.
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So pleased you saw this And thank you so much for commenting! It is always a wonderment to me to find how these poems speak to other people. As ever with thanks Anthony
http://www.anthonywilsonpoetry.com
You can order Love for Now on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Now-Anthony-Wilson/dp/1907605355
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Reading this, on a morning when I needed a little comfort, makes me feel once again that when all else is gone, it is the poets who will be there to speak and save us. Levine is one of my favorites, but I had not read this poem before. He’s captured here so much of what I love about the landscape of the west, my home territory, and about the landscape of the heart, where I still wander lost some days.
Thank you so much for this one, Anthony…
Molly from across the pond
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Dear Molly Thanks so much for your kind words. As ever, I really appreciate it. I am always surprised and delighted by how these poems seem to touch different people in such different ways. One of the great mysteries, and pleasures, of this whole business. As ever with many thanks, yours Anthony Anthony Wilson
Love for Now, my memoir of cancer, is available here
Riddance, my new book of poems, is available here
>________________________________
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I often use the word fantastic to describe the poems that pop up, unbidden, from your blog, but this one really is. An odd recounting, slightly sheepish and yet solidly bedded in the land – why do poems like this make me want to cry? Is it the self looking back on the younger self with unflinching judgement and clear-eyes? Or the confessional ‘to avoid the truth’? Thanks again for drawing this up from the well for us.
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Hi Charlie It’s responses like these that keep me going. Thank you so much. I do seem to remember crying as the main event in that time. One is always sheepish about younger the younger self. I almost want to reach out and protect him from everything that is about to happen. The oncoming train as it were. Or bus.
It’s fab to hear from you -are you heading to GB? As ever, Anthony Anthony Wilson
Love for Now, my memoir of cancer, is available here
Riddance, my new book of poems, is available here
>________________________________
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