On the Edge

 

On the Edge

After your mother dies, you will learn to live
on the edge of life, to brace yourself
like she did, one hand on the dashboard,
the other gripping your purse while you drive
through the stop sign, shoulders tense,
eyes clamped shut, waiting for the collision
that doesn’t come. You will learn
to stay up all night knowing she’s gone,
watching the morning open
like an origami swan, the sky
a widening path, a question
you can’t answer. In prison, women
make tattoos from cigarette ash
and shampoo. It’s what they have.
Imagine the fish, gray scales
and black whiskers, growing slowly
up her back, its lips kissing her neck.
Imagine the letters of her daughter’s name
a black chain around her wrist.
What is the distance between this moment
and the last? The last visit and the next?
I want my mother back. I want
to hunt her down like the perfect gift,
the one you search for from store to store
until your feet ache, delirious with her scent.
This is the baggage of your life, a sign
of your faith, this staying awake
past exhaustion, this needle in your throat.

Dorianne Laux

 

I know what’s coming. At the same time, I have no idea at all. It will be terrible, it will be beautiful, it will not be what I expected. It will live with me every day. It is already living in me.

As we say, the memories ‘come flooding back’. Whoever first said this has a lot to answer for. Sometimes they drip drip drip away at me, in the dark, not a flood at all. Other days (nights) it is a torrent.

The sound of her laughter. The smell of onions frying. Her lack of solemnity. That time the car broke down on the way back from school, the steam, the searing heat that day.

The sheer look of joy on her face in this photo, unguarded, not posed. That’s a rare thing to encounter in this life. And I am grateful.

But still I want her back. And it hasn’t really started yet. This is just the beginning.

21 Comments

  1. I am so sorry. Even if it is in advance. You are right about what is coming. Keep your memories fresh, try to remember everything. The more you write down the better for your brain will be overwhelmed. Start writing now, as you are. It helps.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. May God heals your heart 😢 I live everyday praying to leave together with mom at the same time because I don’t know if I can ever live if she leaves first and I don’t know if she will be able to gandle the pain if I leave first …

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My heart hurts for you.
    Laux truly captures the pain of losing a mother.
    Feel it all—the beauty and the terror. It’s how you honor your mother….being fully present. It hurts. It will hurt. Just don’t let the pain shut you down. Embrace it and know that it signifies a deep powerful abiding love.
    Wishing you peace, now and in the times ahead. -Christy

    Liked by 2 people

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