I am tired.
Though I write from a place of privilege and of safety, I am tired.
Tired of feeling mentally fried nearly all the time.
Tired of the government -who are not a government, but a campaign team that got out of hand and do not have our interests, least of all our human flourishing, at heart.
I am tired of lockdown-not-lockdown. I am tired of the masks-debate. I am tired of ‘But those statues are our history‘.
I am tired of Donald Trump.
I pause to be still, I remind myself that I am not alone, I breathe, I practice self-care and notice again that the tiredness I feel is what my South African activist friend Roger calls ‘part of the plan.’ ‘It’s what they want. The trick is to experience it but not give into it.’
So I remind myself that my favourite word in the Psalms is ‘But’. Especially the ones where it doesn’t appear and the reader inserts it for herself. ‘It has all gone to shit’ (which as Anne Lamott reminds us is a theological term): ‘but’. I still have a job. But my kettle still works. But the bakery remained open. And the Common Beaver has opened a courtyard (see above). But I got to see my mother yesterday. But I have a garden. Verily I walk through the shadow of death, but thank the Lord, Shawna Lemay is still blogging. And Karen Walrond. And Josephine Corcoran. And Simon Parke. They are my go-to resting places. My places of clear water (is that a Heaney line?).
There is still so much to be grateful for.
And I remind myself that in my exhaustion there is still so much learning to do:
So much I still need to hear:
[You can read the full transcript of James Baldwin’s speech here]
So much to take inspiration from:
So much to be opened up by, and to, in wonder:
So much to be grateful for: the knowledge that, sometimes, rest is the only way through:
Wherever you are, I wish you rest.