Tired, but

I am tired.

Though I write from a place of privilege and of safety, I am tired.

Tired of feeling mentally fried nearly all the time.

Tired of the government -who are not a government, but a campaign team that got out of hand and do not have our interests, least of all our human flourishing, at heart.

I am tired of lockdown-not-lockdown. I am tired of the masks-debate. I am tired of ‘But those statues are our history‘.

I am tired of Donald Trump.

And yet.

And Yet.

And yet….

 

I pause to be still, I remind myself that I am not alone, I breathe, I practice self-care and notice again that the tiredness I feel is what my South African activist friend Roger calls ‘part of the plan.’ ‘It’s what they want. The trick is to experience it but not give into it.’

So I remind myself that my favourite word in the Psalms is ‘But’. Especially the ones where it doesn’t appear and the reader inserts it for herself. ‘It has all gone to shit’ (which as Anne Lamott reminds us is a theological term): ‘but’. I still have a job. But my kettle still works. But the bakery remained open. And the Common Beaver has opened a courtyard (see above). But I got to see my mother yesterday. But I have a garden. Verily I walk through the shadow of death, but thank the Lord, Shawna Lemay is still blogging. And Karen Walrond. And Josephine Corcoran. And Simon Parke. They are my go-to resting places. My places of clear water (is that a Heaney line?).

There is still so much to be grateful for.

And I remind myself that in my exhaustion there is still so much learning to do:

White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming to See Correspondences Through Work in Women’s Studies (1988), by Peggy McIntosh

So much I still need to hear:

 

[You can read the full transcript of James Baldwin’s speech here]

 

So much to take inspiration from:

 

So much to be opened up by, and to, in wonder:

 

So much to be grateful for: the knowledge that, sometimes, rest is the only way through:

 

Or sleep:

 

Or sleep:

 

Wherever you are, I wish you rest.

21 Comments

  1. Stay strong!

    The Peace of Wild Things

    When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

    Wendell Berry

    Sent from Mail for Windows 10

    Harry Owen Poet &Writer

    https://rhinoanthology.wordpress.com

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Beautifully written. You are not alone, we all feel this way around the world, but I don’t know if that makes you feel better or not. Anyway, gratitude is the weapon we have to go on.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. You always know what to say to us all ! 💕
      I am also tired but you make us see that we are not alone … so I will get up once more and take a walk into the countryside and & find myself some healing words amongst the wildflowers … Thank you Anthony xx.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So good to be reminded of this lovely, pertinent post again today, when I had meant to leave a comment when you had just posted it. I agree with every sentiment you expressed. We must not grow weary of doing good, though we are very tired… We are the resistance, which means having: courage, focus, determination, the knowledge that we are not alone even when we feel we are, hope, different goals from those the govt wants to impose on us, humility lest we become judgemental, harsh, and superior… and probably more. No wonder it’s tiring! Actually, I think these are the qualities Christians need at all times and in every age. It’s just that we have had our comfy habits upended in this time of pandemic, and are being forced to face the reality that the future will be different now. So, let’s be kind to ourselves and to one another as we start another week in this (trying to be brave!) new world.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. Thanks Anthony, this has summed up my current feelings precisely. Tough times indeed BUT I’m glad you are still seeing the things to be grateful for. I am too, although they are becoming increasingly indistinct.
    I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts over the last few years, please keep going!
    Best wishes,
    Joe

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Anthony
    I cannot express how grateful I am for your post today.
    I am so totally in the same place and the sense of resonance is extraordinary.
    With every good wish and taken care.
    Ann Hammond

    Liked by 2 people

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