Mostly when I’m tired


This is my hard time

-Theodore Roethke


The mornings I can cope with. Just. Not grabbing my phone before my feet hit the floor is difficult, but not impossible.

Ditto the frying of eggs without John Humphrys. (I’ve just realised that sentence looks ludicrous. How on earth did I put up with it for so long?) Even the management of ‘the break’, a key Twitter-space in any day’s work, is bearable if you plan ahead and remove all distractions.

The killer times are right now. When I’m tired, after the work is done, and the emails sent. What then? Too tired to read if I am honest. There’s a brand new book of another missing poet about two yards away, but I haven’t the energy.

I admit it, I almost went on. I am desperate to find out -what, exactly? I am actually desperate to find out nothing. The major news of the last week is coursing through my veins with what I can only call grief. I don’t need Twitter to tell me how to feel about it, or to reassure me that X shares my views exactly. Nevertheless, it was close. A click away. I wanted (want) that sugar cube of satisfaction-distraction, telling me what I already know, and sending me news of something suddenly vital and exciting and which I was not looking for.

But I don’t. I sit on my hands, willing the itching to stop.



  1. Go back on, Antony. I know exactly what you mean about how it can dominate, but for you it was one of your great pleasures and look how much you drew from it and gave to others. You are a communicator and you have ‘blocked’ one of your channels. It is definitely a worthwhile experiment not to be on there, to track your feelings and moods but don’t deprive yourself of the sustenance which may actually be a sustaining thing for you. Give yourself a break every now and then.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much for your kind comment Pam.
      I could go back on. And I am free to. But that isn’t really the point.
      I don’t think I would have learned anything, or internalised the lessons properly.
      And the funny thing is I feel quite sustained without it.
      I never thought I would say that.
      As ever with good wishes


  2. There is a lot of truth in what Pam says but don’t give in just yet! Remember the feelings you had that led you decide to go cold turkey. You knew it would be tough, even painful to give up something so pleasurable. You might decide to go back but in a different way but not yet! It’s too soon. The feelings you’re experiencing now are worth paying attention to. Some new or different way of being, some activity or non-activity could now arise from your feelings of being within an absence. I’m probably talking rubbish and maybe I’m being selfish because I don’t want your experiment to end just yet. Let’s see what the next 24 hours brings. Thanks for your telegrams from the other side.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Josephine
      Thanks so much for your kind comment. I *do* feel supported, and am not about to give in. If I ever do return it will be to use Tw in a very different way, I think I can already see that. As you say, I am certainly paying attention to the feelings that got me here, and the ones of irritation now I am here. Here on ‘the other side’ it is very peaceful, and I would like to stay here a bit longer.
      As ever, Anthony

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Anthony, my tuppence worth is, stick with it, well done, you’re being brave. We’re all so steeped in lives on screen, it’s become so normal and yet I feel so uneasy about it. There is such a pull, but it’s like eating loads of the same flavour crisps, you kind of can’t stop grazing them and they leave a sort of full but unsatisfied feeling! Apparently it takes 90 days to break an addiction…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Charlie
      Many thanks for your kind comment. Judging by the comments on this and other recent posts a lot of people seem to feel ‘uneasy’ about the dominance of screen life. I heard the 90 days thing as well, which takes me to the start of December… Another thing I read was that it takes 6 weeks for something to become a habit. Here’s hoping.
      With thanks for your support


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