I am taking a break from writing brand new blog posts over the summer.
Instead of posting new work I am going to give readers the chance to read material from the archives of this blog.
Starting on Monday, a new-old blog post will appear here every two days, twenty of my favourites from the last four years.
See you all in September, and happy holidays.
I have finished the thing. People come up to me to say things. It seems to have gone well.
While I was in the thing it was like a dream, with laughter and pauses, some of them even in the right places. A dream, with me in it, looking in.
But now it is finished, over. The thing has finished with me.
The days I spent preparing for it, gone. The loving splicing of commas, gone. The rehearsals in the mirror, gone.
The thing has passed through me. I wonder if I was even there while it happened. (It seems to have gone well).
I am now someone else.
Somewhere else. A platform, looking at numbers. Surrounded by others, raising glasses. Silence. I am not sure I can remember my name.
A quick calculation: the hours it will take to go home. What to do in the meantime, now it is over, now I have used myself, now I am no longer of use.
Now I am no longer here.
The me at the thing, I like him (liked him). Maybe. He seemed to know what he was doing. He looked so confident, albeit briefly.
But now I have to return. I see him approaching, holding out his hand. There is no getting away.
Someone has left a newspaper next to me. Scrutiny of television pages. Perfect interiors. A view, with cows.
Wine does not help. There is no internet. The pages of a notebook, accusing (it seems a long time ago).
I have no idea what I meant.
I wonder if it happened at all.
There is. Just me.
I don’t like it.