On the Edge
After your mother dies, you will learn to live
on the edge of life, to brace yourself
like she did, one hand on the dashboard,
the other gripping your purse while you drive
through the stop sign, shoulders tense,
eyes clamped shut, waiting for the collision
that doesn’t come. You will learn
to stay up all night knowing she’s gone,
watching the morning open
like an origami swan, the sky
a widening path, a question
you can’t answer. In prison, women
make tattoos from cigarette ash
and shampoo. It’s what they have.
Imagine the fish, gray scales
and black whiskers, growing slowly
up her back, its lips kissing her neck.
Imagine the letters of her daughter’s name
a black chain around her wrist.
What is the distance between this moment
and the last? The last visit and the next?
I want my mother back. I want
to hunt her down like the perfect gift,
the one you search for from store to store
until your feet ache, delirious with her scent.
This is the baggage of your life, a sign
of your faith, this staying awake
past exhaustion, this needle in your throat.
Dorianne Laux
I know what’s coming. At the same time, I have no idea at all. It will be terrible, it will be beautiful, it will not be what I expected. It will live with me every day. It is already living in me.
As we say, the memories ‘come flooding back’. Whoever first said this has a lot to answer for. Sometimes they drip drip drip away at me, in the dark, not a flood at all. Other days (nights) it is a torrent.
The sound of her laughter. The smell of onions frying. Her lack of solemnity. That time the car broke down on the way back from school, the steam, the searing heat that day.
The sheer look of joy on her face in this photo, unguarded, not posed. That’s a rare thing to encounter in this life. And I am grateful.
But still I want her back. And it hasn’t really started yet. This is just the beginning.
I am so sorry. Even if it is in advance. You are right about what is coming. Keep your memories fresh, try to remember everything. The more you write down the better for your brain will be overwhelmed. Start writing now, as you are. It helps.
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So sorry for the loss.
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May God heals your heart 😢 I live everyday praying to leave together with mom at the same time because I don’t know if I can ever live if she leaves first and I don’t know if she will be able to gandle the pain if I leave first …
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My heart hurts for you.
Laux truly captures the pain of losing a mother.
Feel it all—the beauty and the terror. It’s how you honor your mother….being fully present. It hurts. It will hurt. Just don’t let the pain shut you down. Embrace it and know that it signifies a deep powerful abiding love.
Wishing you peace, now and in the times ahead. -Christy
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This is beautiful. Two poems. Feeling it with you, for my Dad, recently gone. Much love x
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May you be held as you live with this black river of loss.
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Oh Anthony, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and sending strength for what is and what’s to come. May your love for your mother give you sustenance as well as grief. Be gentle with yourself.
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Wow. What a poem! What memories!
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Your beautiful mum … I am so sorry Anthony x
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I’m so very sorry, Anthony. Thinking of you. What a beautiful photograph of your mother x
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I am sorry for your loss and your palpable ache for the pain already realized and for the pain anticipated. The want will persist, and the want will transform. Prayers for sustaining.
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Mother is a precious gem.
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soo sorry for your loss
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I’ve been wondering lately what if my parents choose to go on a vacation someday what will live be for me.
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Beautifully and profoundly written. Thank you for sharing. Your mother would be proud.
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That pain for me is yet to come, but it’s coming and I hope I will embrace it as elegantly as you have here. I hope you find peace with it.
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So sorry for the loss
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Yes, it’s a huge loss and it’s inevitable as well. In life we need to learn to accept pain and face reality. Treasure the golden memories and cherish the rest of the life.
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It reminds me of the song “wake me up when september ends”
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This is beautifully written, thank you for sharing. I love the photo, looks like a moment of joy ❤️
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Beautiful ❤️
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Very touching one. May God be with you and i am sure your mom’s blessings will always be around you.
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Courage 💪💪
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My mother entered a coma one week after my eighteenth birthday, and died shortly thereafter. I felt as though my world had fallen in on me, that this was the end, this is when I give up. I still fight those feelings every day, but I feel so alone. I want my mother’s guidance, her love, and her joy. I stand at a crossroads in my life and I do not feel as though I have the strength to carry on, not without her. Thank you for this beautiful poem, so very relevant to me.
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so perfectly said … when thoughts of my mother pop in .. sometimes its a polite little tap on my shoulder… and sometimes it’s puffy eyes, a stuffed nose, and the inability to get out of bed.
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I am so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine the pain you feel.
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So much memories. Hope that you will take some time to cope with the grief and find peace.
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I understand. It will be 4 years on the 1st of July I lost my mum, the waves of grief, though fewer in number, still catch me off guard.
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Great
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My condolences. For me it was the same when I lost my dad 15 years ago on Good Friday. Of course he used to call himself Mr Mom.
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Loss and grief is not anywhere easy. I pray you heal. Sending you love and light
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Filled with truth for sure. My mom passed almost just over two years ago, a month shy of her 95th birthday. She lived in a nearby nursing home the last few years, she loved it and we were fortunate to find a place that celebrated her. Her favorite social worker passed away last month from COVID19. It hit me hard. But i’m sure they are spending time together. I still have a bag of my mom’s things that i cannot bring myself to go through. But it will happen. Some rainy day when i am ready to be immersed in her.
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So sorry😥
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The poem is really heart touching.can feel the pain deeply.
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I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I must admit that I was amazed to see how you have your channelled you pain into beautiful penning this article. Thanks a lot for sharing this article with us.
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Very beautiful post with two poems. Feeling the pain with you.
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touching writing to express your loss. My condolences
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Beautiful picture and a very touchy poem. Golden memories. A salute to all the mothers who take smilingly take pains for their children working night and day without any leave and pay.
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Dear Anthony, I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is like a river, a raging torrent and no footholds and it abates slowly until you can stand, then wade a bit. It takes its own time and will one day be a beautiful river you can sit beside but quietly. Hoping that writing and talking will comfort you.
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Thank you Ann
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Life is short so let’s make the most out of it with the people we love. Thank you for sharing and sorry for the loss… this post truly captures the emotion!
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What a poignant piece. The imminence of the truth has been put so well.
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I felt this. Lost my Mum last September; dealing with it is still work in progress. We’re here with you.
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This is great😫
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I so get this. I think it’s almost harder… grieving a partial loss… I have been through it with a sister and now I swallow unspent tears as I watch my father’s frailty widen, like a tangled net of gossamer thread over his mind and, particularly during Lockdown, his body. The way you descibe how the grief over your mum already started… It paints such a vivid picture. It’s there – a stream that isn’t yet the mighty river it might become. The drip, a torrent in the making.
I’m rambling (Lockdown hazard) but reading the sort of stuff you write always seems to act as a sort of warfarin injection into the huge word clots in my blocked mind. I so admire your fluency and the simple beauty of your descriptions.
I hope that your journey through grief will be less sharply painful than the preparation for it and that you will find peace and healing in the writing of it.
Kate
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That’s a beautiful and touching poem! Thank you for sharing your story and I’m so sorry for your loss. Please continue to live your life. Am sure your mum is there watching and always cheering for you. x
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This is overwhelming for me. I suffered a loss recently and I can feel the pain in the post.
I write too, to let the pain out in some form. I do it in form of stories.
Here’s what I wrote recently, if you’d wanna give it a try reading. It’s a short fictionalized story.
https://meetvekaria.wordpress.com/2020/07/08/a-night-on-the-bridge/
Tell me how you find it.
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Beautifully articulated yet painful to read
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This is exactly what I needed to read. I just lost my mother-an emptiness that is hard to describe. You’ve captured that as best as anyone could
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Thank you for saying so. My best wishes to you as you mourn her loss.
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“watching the morning open like an origami swan”, right there I found myself in abrupt pauses, still wondering if daylight could revive after it sinks then why can’t the ones we love. All my wishes with you as you behold this change.
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Anthony, I am sorry for your loss of your mother. We all at some point have been through loss, but the loss of a parent is a big one. As you go through the grieving stage part may you focus on the positive memories you made with her growing up. Take the lessons that she has taught you and pass them onto the next generation. You are not alone through this struggle always surround yourself with loved ones and keep your mother’s memory alive every single day.
Heather Kendall
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Also lost my mother less than two years ago and reading this hit me to my core. Thank you for writing about grief. Blessings and Light!
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Thank you for saying so. I wish you well with your grief. Anthony
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